Drop the Ball - Learning to Forgive

E. Ken Harmon
Feb 19
7 min read

Why Unforgiveness Only Hurts You

By E. Ken Harmon

Imagine if you will, that a ball is covered in razor-sharp spikes, each one sharp enough to cut through steel. Someone decides to throw the ball at you. Instinctively, you reach out to catch it, but as soon as you do, the spikes dig deep into your hand. The pain hits you like a ton of bricks, But in this intense moment, suddenly you find a inner strength growing inside you. Your emotions turn from pain to anger. You've decided, no matter how much it hurts, you’ll never drop the ball because you will never let anyone hurt you like this again.

The ball, originally a point of pain is now, at least in your mind, a testament to your strength and resilience. You hold on tighter, feeling the spikes dig in even more, but with each wave of pain, your anger only grows. the ball is no longer a painful object. It has become a powerful symbol of your unbreakable spirit and your vow never be a victim again THUS I will never ever drop this ball.

Year after year, you keep holding onto the ball, refusing to let it go. It feels impossible to make new friends because the pain of the ball constantly reminds you that someone you once cared for hurt you. Deductive reasoning says - someone I cared for hurt me - then if I never care for anyone I can never be hurt again. Originally, Holding onto the ball was so no one would ever hurt you again. But you’re now hurting others even though that was never your intent. It’s still true, hurting people hurt people.

YOU NOW STRUGGLE TO RELATE TO YOUR RELATIONSHIPS

People around you, eager to help, beg you to drop the ball. They promise that, if you just drop it, your relationships can possibly grow into something beautiful and fulfilling. But despite their sincere pleas and reassurances, you find yourself crying, overwhelmed by fear. You’re haunted by the thought: what if someone picks it up - and throws it at me again? This thought trashes your relationships.

Those you care about now seem distant, their faces filled with concern. Maybe you’ve given up on intimacy and determined that one night stand is all that you need and want because it doesnt require connection or commitment. This cycle of fear and hurt keeps the ball stuck to you, and unfortunately you to the ball.

You've been holding onto this ball for so long that it has become a part of you. So much so, at times, you forget the pain of the ball, but can’t forget the person who threw it at you so long ago. The person ruminates in your head as a constant reminder of what you're carrying. One of my favorite basketball players, Dennis Rodman, was known to say, "If i can get in your head, I can control you." While the person may be out of your life, they are still in your head. A process called Rumination. Rumination is weighing on you not just physically, but now emotionally and spiritually too. Maybe you’re so bitter and broken you’re even blaming God for letting this happen to you.

EVENTUALLY YOU START TO MEDICATE YOUR PAIN.

What started as a small infection on your hand has spread throughout your body, affecting everything and everyone around you. Maybe your only comfort is in food or alcohol or porn or ____________ [you fill in the blank]. You find yourself pulling away from the world, trapped by your own doing, with the ball - and the infection - whatever youre using to self medicate as your only companions.

You're aware that this burden impacts not just you but also those around you, as they struggle to understand what you're going through. Their attempts to help are met with your stubborn resistance. But In quieter moments, when the ball feels especially heavy, you think about dropping it. But the idea terrifies you. The infection has woven itself into your life, leaving you questioning whether you can really break free or if doing so means losing a part of yourself.

Maybe you do happen to find someone who cares for you; maybe even loves you but in reality, you’re strangers because you keep them at a distance. Maybe youll learn what i learned, proximity is not intimacy. Judas was in constant proximity with Jesus. The struggle continues, a battle between wanting relationships but also fearing letting them in. As so many others have done, eventually they leave too. A self-fulfilling prophesy has come full circle leaving you tangled in a web of your own making, with the ball, and the pain, and whatever you use to self-medicate as your constant companions.

Wounds can lead to one of two unhealthy narratives; you implode or explode. Implosions lead to a broken heart, sadness, depression, and brutal loneliness. Or explosions that leads to anger and rage usually towards those closest to you. You’re not just holding the ball; now you’re throwing it. Again, It’s still true, hurting people hurt people.

This is what unforgiveness is like. It is a heavy burden that many individuals carry, often without even realizing the extent of its weight.

I am truly sorry for your pain. Unforgiveness is a pain that can linger in the shadows of your heart and mind. Unforgiveness is a dark night of the soul. The person who inflicted this hurt may have long since exited your life, but you find yourself still tethered to that moment of betrayal or anguish. You continue to hold on to the memories and the feelings associated with that hurt, convinced that by doing so, you are protecting yourself. You think, "No one will ever hurt me again," and with this mindset, you build walls around your heart, fortifying yourself against the possibility of vulnerability and intimacy.

This was me after my second divorce. My first divorce happened mainly due to the immense pain from the death of our 5-month-old twins. They passed away from SIDS, and we were both too young to handle such profound grief, pain, and blame. We have since amended. My second marriage was an extremely bitter experience. After that, I swore never to let anyone hurt me like that again. I admit that, in the beginning, much of that pain seeped into my current marriage.

A few realizations occured on my own forgiveness jouney.

Unforgiveness says everyone is a potential threat. You find yourself projecting past wounds onto innocent parties, fearing that they will eventually betray you. In other words, I rather hurt them before they hurt me.

Unforgiveness can become a shield blocking joy. The memories of hurt can become a narrative that defines your life, overshadowing the potential for connection. The truth is, the person who hurt you has moved on, you remain stuck in a moment in time. With your shield up at the possibility of a threat.

Harboring unforgiveness attracts other negative balls.

Pain in one area often creates pain in another. Sometimes when you refuse to drop one ball, it becomes easy to pick up others. The conscious may long to be free but the undcounsciious will never let it go. SO YOU OICK UP A BALL OF HATE. The conscious mind blames the people in front of you but the uncounsciouos mind is still in that moment. SO YOU PICK UP ANOTHER BALL OF DESPAIR. The conscious mind is grateful you friend found a good man but the unconscious mind is bitter. YOU’VE PICKED UP A BALL OF JEALOUSY. Some clinicians would argue that you’re uncounsciously revisiting that moment. I could argue that you’ve never left that moment. That painful memory reinforces the chains that bind you to the past.

Let go of being both prisoner and guard:

unforgiveness is like you imprisoning a criminal but the jail cell doesn’t lock. So you have to stand there 24/7 assuring the prisoner never escapes. Essentially, you are also a prisoner too. It is crucial to understand that forgiveness is not about condoning or condenming the actions of those who have wronged you; rather, it is about freeing yourself from the emotional shackles that keep you tethered to pain. Only through the act of forgiveness can you begin to heal, allowing yourself the chance to experience love, trust, and happiness once more.

GET EQUIPPED AND GET HELP!

Proverbs 1 shares “let the wise listen and add to their learning, and let the discerning get guidance.” Two things emerge here (a) add to your learning and (b) get help. In other words, become a student of your pains and wounds. This goes beyond simply searching scriptures with forgiveness. While that is crucial, it also includes reading books and watching videos. This phase is not just about gathering information; it helps you formulate the right questions for (b) seek a pastral or clinical caregiver. Now youre an active partner with your caregiver.

I apologize now as the next two will not feel good. Forgive Yourself:

Yes a part of the process is forgiving the person that hurt you, but in God's healing plan, true forgiveness is forgiving yourself. I had to forgive myself for holding the ball to long. If you’re thinking, I DONT NEED TO FORGIVE MYSELF - DO YOU KNOW WHAT THEY DID TO ME!!! No I don’t, but a much better question is do you know what you’re doing to you?

Forgiveness is not forgetting:

When God says he will remember your sins no more, he is not saying he does not have a memory of your sins. It mean he will no longer hold it against you. As mentioned earlier, Real forgiveness takes the pain out of the memory. I can now share my rape story without personal shame, mental agony or remorse.

if you dont remember anything, please remember this, the goal of forgiveness is not to let someone off the hook. Forgiveness means it, or rather, you will no longer continue to wound…you.

You can drop the ball or you can keep holding it. Learning to offer Forgiveness is a choice just as holding on to unforgiveness is a choice; but I do know this, "If you contine to do, what you’ve always done, you will continue to have what you've always had."